Level 40

I've reached the age of 40 today. And the day didn't start as I expected.

As I was contemplating about how I'm now older than three of my friends that passed away at 39, I got news from my family that one of my dad's older brothers have passed away. And this is after another one of his older brothers also passed away two weeks ago, so he lost two brothers in the span of two weeks. This leads to spiraling questions inside my mind once again about life and mortality, about how much I have left and how to find meaning in it.

I will say that it was hard to let my friends go because I felt that they still had so much to give to the world. One was a wise mentor who's always ready to lend an ear and impart wisdom to those in need. One was an intellectual who provided ways for people to support others in need. And one was a community leader who first got me into Final Fantasy XIV and has led many others to find friendship and companionship. Compared to them, I often feel that I have nothing to offer and nothing to give, leading to feelings of survivor's guilt.

At one point, I was told that the average maximum expectancy for my blood cancer condition is roughly 10 years. I'm now several months into year 11. I no longer have dreams or lofty ambitions for myself and I treat every day and every second as a bonus round. I no longer have much physical strength, I get tired very easily and I don't have any energy or motivation left in me to delve into stressful or anxiety-inducing stuff.

Being able to live in Los Angeles for a good part of the last decade was already a bucket list fulfillment on its own. I am very grateful to be able to attend video game orchestral concerts a few times every year, go to video game conventions to meet friends, and even got to attend the Final Fantasy XVI pre-launch event last year to see and meet my heroes like Yoshi-P in person.

And it's not an understatement to say that living in Los Angeles might have saved my life during the COVID pandemic. It claimed the life of my brother's mother-in-law. Considering that I already have blood cancer, without the proper access to vaccines and medications that living here afforded me things would have been potentially very dangerous when I finally caught the virus at the end of 2020. Instead, I was down for two weeks feeling like there were glass shards on my throat, but I survived.

My only remaining wish right now is to be able to meet the people that really matter to me, my dear friends and my family, at least once a year because they all live so far away from me. Other than that, I just want to live my days in peace. Some people call me lazy or wasteful because of this, but after so many years of living with depression, stress and anxiety with no way out, finally having peace and acceptance in my life feels truly liberating.

For some people, life begins at 40. They say that it's only the halfway (50%) point of their lives, but I honestly feel like I'm already at my 80%. Hopefully I'll still be around to write a Level 50 reflection in 10 years time, but I'm taking things day by day as they come right now.